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Thi 
to  1 


Th« 
pos 
oft 
filn 


Ori 

be{ 

the 

sioi 

oth 

firs 

sior 

or 


The 
sha 
TIN 
whi 

Mar 
dlff( 
enti 
begi 
righ 
reqi 
met 


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obtenir  la  meilleure  image  possible. 


10X 

14X 

18X 

22X 

26X 

30X 

• 

12X 

16X 

20X 

24X 

28X 

32X 

aire 
details 
ues  du 
i  modifier 
ger  une 
I  filmage 


f 
ides 


The  copy  filmed  here  has  been  reproduced  thanlts 
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first  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
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or  illustrated  impression. 


re 


The  last  recorded  frame  on  each  microfiche 
shall  contain  the  symbol  —»•  (meaning  "CON- 
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L'exemplaire  fllmd  fut  reproduit  grdce  <^  la 
g6ndroslt6  de: 

Bibliothdque  natlonale  du  Canada 


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filmage. 

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par  le  premier  plat  et  en  terminant  soit  par  la 
dernidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'Impression  ou  d'lllustration,  solt  par  le  second 
plat,  selon  le  cas.  Tous  les  autres  exemplaires 
origlnaux  sont  filmds  en  commenpant  par  la 
premidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'Impression  ou  d'lllustration  et  en  terminant  par 
la  dernidre  page  qui  comporte  une  telle 
empreinte. 

Un  des  symboles  suivants  apparaitra  sur  la 
dernidre  Image  de  cheque  microfiche,  selon  le 
cas:  le  symbole  -♦-  signlfie  "A  SUIVRE",  le 
symbole  V  signlfie  "FIN". 

Les  cartes,  planches,  tableaux,  etc.,  peuvent  dtre 
fllmds  d  des  taux  de  reduction  diffdrents. 
Lorsque  le  document  est  trop  grand  pour  Stre 
reproduit  en  un  seul  clichd,  il  est  filmd  d  partir 
de  Ta^^gle  supdrleur  gauche,  de  gauche  d  drolte, 
et  de  haut  en  bas,  en  prenant  le  nombre 
d'Images  ndcessaire.  Les  diagrammes  suivants 
lllustrent  la  mdthode. 


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nt 

le  pelure, 

igon  d 


1 

2 

3 

32X 


1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

THE 


WARS  OF  THE  GULLS; 


AN 


HISTORICAL  ROMANCE, 


IN  THREE  CHAPTERS. 

Chap.  I.  Shewing  how,  and  why,  and  with  whom 
the  Chills  went  to  war. 

Chap.  II.  Sheimng  how  the  CruUs  make  the  deep  to 
hoil  like  a  pot. 

Chap.  III.  Shelving  how  a  certain  doughty  Gene- 
ral of  1M  Gtdls  goes  forth  to  play  the  game  of 
KuLL-GuLL  in  Upper  Ckmadu^ 

**  And  from  the  pinnacle  of  glory, 
**  Fall*  headlong  into  purgatory." 


H 


ill 


M 


m 


J>rEW-¥ORK: 

PUBLISHED  AT  THE  DRAMATIC  REPOSITORY, 

Shakespeare  Gallery, 


i 


^^.^; 


«,v- 


"*«#--f*5f  ^k..** 


.Ml 


VKUWJB-**   '*"*'" 


THE 


WARS  OF  THE  GULLS. 


:^>  ''-r 


t,.-^*-^' 


£i» 


Chapter  L 


Shewing  how,  and  why^  and  with  whom  the 
Gulls  went  to  war. 


Yi 


E  that  have  listened  with  astonishment 
to  the  ancient  hattles  in  Grecian  song  of  thf 
Frogs  and  Mice,  and  who  have  dilated 
your  jaws  with  consternation  at  the  red 
slaughter  of  the  Pigmies  and  the  Cranes ; 
you  are  invited  once  more  to  expand  your 
mouths  and  once  more  to  erect  your  ears  at 
the  recital  of  deeds  unexampled  in  history, 
unparallelled  in  fiction,  unattempted  in  prose 
or  rhyme,  and  utterly  unknown,  unseen  and 
unheard  of — save  in  the  Wars  of  the  Gulls, 
It  was  on  a  foggy  afternoon,  such  as 
Virginians  are  accustomed  to  counteract 
with  a  mint  julep,  and  such  as  cloudy  heads 


4 


find  congenial  to  cogitation ;  that  the  Sage 
of  Montpelier,  the  commander  in  chief 
of  the  armies  of  the  Gulls^  retired  to  his 
lolling- chair  to  ponder  on  the  destinies  of 
the  nation.  The  declaration  of  war,  by 
virtue  of  which  the  whole  nation  of  Gulls 
were  to  pounce  unguibua  et  rostro  upon 
^  the  unprotected  heads  of  the  BiiU»^  their 
lawfully  appointed  enemies,  was  in  hi? 
hand.  A  map  of  British  America  was  un- 
der his  feet,  blotted  and  defaced  fwrn  carvw 
ing;  but  accurately  divided  as  if  Ellicot 
had  drawn  the  lines  from  celestial  observa- 
tion. The  margins  and  spaces  usually 
blank  because  unexplored,  were  cc^iously 
filled  with  the  names  of  their  future  digni- 
taries, the  favourites  of  their  puissant  com- 
mander. Here  was  a  viceroy  of  Labrador^ 
and  there  was  a  collector  of  customs  on 
Mc  Kenzie's  River.  A  victorious  general 
was  military  governor  over  the  fragments 
of  Quebec,  while  an  uncouth  looking  colo- 
nel was  plenipo.  to  the  Dog-ribbed  Indians. 
^^  Who,"  said  the  chief  of  the  GuUs;  as  he 


I 


.•^»ms>~*-^ 


Sage 
chief 
to  his 
lies  of 
a?,  by 
Gulls 
upon 
their 
m  hip 
as  UQ- 
icarvw 
llieot 
serva- 
sually 
(iously 
d%iii. 
t  com- 
rador, 
tns  on 
eneral 
;ments 
;  colo- 
diansi. 
as  he 


F 


cast  his  eye  over  his  dependancies,  ^^  who 
can  like  me  put  his  thumb  on  a  whole  con- 
tinent at  once  ?  What  potentate  so  colos- 
sal that  in  bestriding  his  empire,  he  can  cool 
one  tee  upon  the  north  pole,  while  he  warms 
the  other  at  the  southernmost  cape  in  Flor- 
ida? These  are  the  ^.rue  limits  of  my  do- 
minions ;  yes,  I  am  to  have  Canada^  or  Fe- 
lix Grundy  is  no  prophet,  and  William 
Widgery  is  an  unprincipled  deceiver. 
Take  Canada^  say  they,  before  the  ice 
breaks  up,  and  as  for  the  rest  it  may  be  ta- 
ken at  any  time  for  the  ice  never  breaks  up. 
Plant  but  a  standard  in  Canada  and  the 
subjects  of  oppression  will  rush  by  thous- 
ands to  receive  the  oath  of  allegiance,  and 
to  become  incorporated  with  the  great  na- 
tion of  the  Gulls.  A  few  weeks  more  and 
my  myrmidons  shall  be  scouring  the  wil- 
derness and  beating  the  bushes,  from  King- 
ston to  lake  Winnipeg.  No  need  of  more 
recruits,  for  the  renegadoes  of  the  fur  trade, 
the  scape-goats  of  British  oppression,  shall 
eome  over  in  swarms  to  join  the  infiucible 


¥ 


» 


standard,  and  daily  add  new  Gulls  to  the 
conquering  legion.  No  need  of  provisions, 
for  the  lakes  have  fish,  and  the  woods  j;re 
teeming  with  the  delicious  flesh  of  bears 
and  prairie  dogs.  No  need  of  clothing,  for 
the  capture  of  every  trading  hut  will  furn- 
ish furs  for  a  regiment,  and  the  spoils  of 
the  forest  will  be  a  noble  substitute  for  rag- 
ged shirts  and  antedeluvian  breeches.  No 
need  of  pay,  for  the  warlike  and  successful 
troops  shall  receive  their  fame  in  regular 
installments,  and  coin  their  wages  in  cents 
at  the  ernbouchure  of  Coppermine  river. 
Meanwhile  the  happy,  the  enlightened  na- 
tion of  the  Gulls  shall  squat  under  their 
vines  and  fig  trees  and  snuff  up  in  every 
gale  the  prowess  of  their  brethren.  No 
odious  accumulation  of  taxes  shall  at  pres- 
ent cast  a  cloud  on  the  brilliant  prospect  of 
my  second  election.  No  building  of  ships 
and  fortifications  shall  belie  the  establish- 
ed character  of  a  frugal  and  penurious  ad- 
ministration. The  sovereign  people  shall 
be  set  at  rest  on  the  ground  of  expense,  and 


J 


i^ 


while  a  weekly  buF  ^tin  annoulices  the  cap- 
ture of  a  swamp  or  the  fall  of  a  log-liouso, 
fhey  shall  exult  in  the  glorious  fortune 
which  made  them  Gulls,  and  wonder  liow 
a  government  can  go  to  war  so  cheap  I" 

Such  were  the  plans  and  pondenngs 
which  the  recent  declaration  of  war  had 
lighted  up  within  the  cranium  of  the  head 
of  the  nation.  But  it  was  not  to  so  narrow 
a  sphere  that  the  effects  of  this  portentous 
declaration  were  confined.  At  one  and  the 
same  moment  it  was  spreading  uproar 
throughout  the  continent,  ana  wafting  dis- 
may and  consternation  across  the  Atlantic. 
In  Great  Britain  its  consequences  were  al- 
most simultaneous  with  its  creation.  Many 
weeks  before  the  news  of  it  could  reach  that 
country,  before  it  could  even  be  lisped  by 
any  imprudent  functionary  in  France,  its 
overwhelming  effects  began  to  burst  forth  in 
the  fast  anchored  isle  on  every  side.  Out 
went  the  ministry  en  masse,  as  if  they  had 
been  dislodged  from  their  seats  by  a  clap  of 
the  '^  red  artillery  of  heaven.''    The  chan- 


^ 


t: 


1 


1} 


H 


V 


S 

» 

cellor  of  the  exchequer  was  put  to  death 
without  time  to  say  his  neck  verse,  and  the 
Prince  Regent  himself,  with  his  foot  on  the 
throne  of  his  fathers,  was  ahout  to  suffer 
the  same  fate,  had  he  not  luckily  bethought 
himself  of  the  great  example  of  Governor 
Gerry  of  Massachusetts,  and  sought  instan- 
taneous refuge  behind  a  proclamation.  Even 
the  crazy  old  king,  insulated  from  the  world 
and  .worn  out  as  he  was  both  in  body  and 
mind,  was  observed  on  a  sudden  to  become  • 
remarkably  unruly  among  his  nurses,  and  ■■* 
had  a  paroxysm  of  cholic  the  subsequent  ^ 
morning.  ,       .,         >,  > 


5F^- 


V 


■M' 


fr 


f 


■> 


...;> 


'*>*- 


\i  \ 


ileatb 
tdthe 
m  the 
suffer 
ought 
ernor 
istan- 
Even 
world 
f  and 
Bcome 
%f  and 
^quenf 


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r 


o.^i-  0  ^ 


h  ■ 


Chapter  II. 

Shewing  how  the  Gulls  make  the  deep  to 
boil  like  a  pot. 

In  the  harbour  of  New  York  lay  at  an- 
chor Commodore  John  Rogers,  having  the 
redoubtable  navy  of  the  GKiUs  under  his 
command.  This  is  not  the  John  Rogers 
who  suffered  martyrdom  in  popeiy  times  at 
Smithfield,  and  was  followed  to  the  stake 
by  a  squadron  of  children,  respecting  the 
number  of  whom  it  is  problematical  wheth- 
er they  were  nine  or  ten.  The  worthy 
Commodore  was  never  like  to  experience 
any  difficulty  in  numbering  his  squadron, 
for  it  was  a  fixed  maxim  with  the  Gulls 
that  no  ships  at  all  were  better  than  a  cum- 
bersome navy.  Nevertheless  as  they  had 
once  been  an  aqwitic  tribe  and  were  gener- 
ally ranked  among  water  fowlsy  it  was 
thought  expedient  to  make  one  more  ex- 
'periment  to  ascertain  ^/hether  they  had  lost 


I 


10 

by  long  disuse  the  art  of  swimming.     Ac- 
cordingly   the    gallant    naval     armament 
weighed  anchor  and  stretched  out  of  the 
liarboiir,   while   the   necks   of   the   GruUs 
stretched    after  them    from   every    shore. 
Scarcely  had  the  squadron  passed  through 
the  Narrows  and  commenced  their  track 
upon  the  ocean^  leaving  the  highlands  of 
Neversink  beneath  the  surface  of  the  deep ; 
when  a  tremendous  and  long  continued  fir- 
ing which  seemed  to  render  the  very  rocks 
and  shores  unsafe  within  the  wind  of  its 
commotion,  was  heard  off  various  points  of 
the  coast  of  Long  Island.     One  frigate,  two 
frigates^  three  frigates  ;    some  whole  and 
some  dismasted,  were  $■  een  at  different  times 
towing  ea^jii  other  into  the  harbour  of  New 
'-  York.*  This  proved  a  glorious  triumph  for 
the  Gulls,  abating  a  slight  mistake  of  place^ 
as  the  prizes  arrived  not  at  New  York  but 
at  one  of  the  harbours  in  the  Moon,  where 
they  w»rp  regularly  entered  by  Mr.  Jeffer* 
son's  collector. 


i 


*  See  the  CKiU  papers  of  the  time. 


-i;  .  *  -     *  *•  ■■ 


k 


\    , 


Ac- 

mameut 
k  of  the 
Gulls 
shore, 
through 
ir  track 
and 9  of 
le  deep  5 
lued  fir- 
ry rocks 
d  of  its 
)oiiits  of 
;ate,  two 
ole  and 
)ni  times 
of  New 
imph  for 
of  place, 
ork  but 
I,  where 
\  Jeffer^ 


i 


11 

Now  there  sailed  in  the  squadron  of  the 
Commodore,  a  small  but  venomous  sloop  of 
war  yclept  the  Hornet.  This  vessel  hav- 
ing strayed  perchance  from  the  fleet,  had 
the  luck  to  fall  in  with  a  large  frigate  some 
dozen  times  its  own  magnitude,  called  the 
Belvidere,  with  whom  she  ''had  a  slight 
brtiah,^'  This  bully  frigate  finding  it  im- 
possible to  float  before  the  buzzing  and 
brushing  of  the  Hornet,  was  glad  to  crowd 
all  sail  and  make  the  best  of  her  escape 
from  so  troublesome  a  pursuer.  Tell  it  nut 
in  Halifax,  said  the  Gull  papers,  publish  it 
not  in  the  streets  of  London,  that  a  British 
frigate  ran  away  from  an  American  sloop 
of  v/ar.  This  "  bvu8¥^  however  was  not 
without  serious  censequences,  for  it  broke 
the  Commodore's  leg,  who  was  at  that  time 
in  some  part  of  the  same  ocean,  and  caus- 
ed two  midshipmen  and  half  a  dozen  sail- 
ors to  die  for  grief;  some  having  broken 
hearts,  and  the  rest  broken  heads.  Albeit, 
this  was  a  glorious  triumph  for  .he  Gulls. 

The  Jamaica  fleet  consisting  of  150  sail 


!■ 


■#. 


m ' 


c 


I 


IS 


'  i 


''  \ 


\i0i^ 


-m-i  .:■?>■ 


a 


of  richly  laden  merchantmen,  was  the  next 
fruit  of  this  suecessfnl  expedition.  Out  of 
the  number  of  this  fleet  one  hundred  and 
one  sail,  thirty-one  sail,  twenty-one  sail 
were  succ  ^.ssively  captured,*  making  in  all 
1^  sail.  The  country  would  have  over- 
flowed with  West  India  goods,  enough  to 
last  even  to  the  end  of  the  war,  had  not 
these  merchantmen  unluckily  been  ordered 
for  the  Moon,  instead  of  being  sent  into 
New  York.  Nevertheless}  though  the 
Gulls  got  no  rum  and  molasses,  yet  they 
had  triumph  in  abundance. 

Meanwhile  this  great  and  dignified  peo* 
pie  were  not  unmindful  of  the  earnest  and 
repeated  calls  of  their  clamorous  papers  to 
scour  the  ocean  with  privateers.  In  a 
short  time  the  Argus  opened  its  hundred 
eyes  and  the  Wily  Reynard  was  racking 
his  brains  for  stratagems  of  plunder ;  the 
Marengo  prepai'ed  to  triumph  in  the  cause 
of  Fiaactjj  and  Madison  and  Jeffeis'm  and 
Bona«  having  each  a  gun  in  his  tai^  and 

i  ..-      -        »  -Xlde  GuU  papers. 


J    -  ■ 


^       ••  '^f  »■—  ■ 


13 


le  next 
Out  of 
3d  and 
>ne  s^l 
in  all 
i  ovcr- 
ugh  ta 
ad  not 
rdered 
at  into 
h  the 


it  they 

id  peo* 
ist  and 
pers  to 
In  a 
indred 
acking 
r;  the 
cause 
')n  and 
i\  and 


fifty  tatterdemalions  armed  with  tomahawks 
and  speaking  trumpeti^^  commenced  an  in- 
discriminate havoc  among  vessels  which 
could  not  fight^  of  all  kindreds,  and  nations^ 
and  tongues.  The  ocean  became  a  mere 
theatre  of  indiscriminate  depredation,  and 
the  moonlight  was  obscured  by  the  cloud 
of  prizes  daily  arriving.  The  ghost  of 
Robert  Kidd  awoke  from  the  slumber  of 
ages,  where  he  had  been  composed  to  rest 
by  the  soporific  influence  of  the  gallows ; 
he  first  rubbed  his  eyes,  yawned,  and  ask- 
ed what  year  of  our  Lord  it  was  ;  then 
clearing  his  pipes  he  struck  up  the  old 
fashioned  ditty  ^^When  I  sailed,  when  I 
sail  ad,"  and  the  whole  posse  comitatus  of 
long  winded  privateersmen  bellowed  lusti- 
ly to  the  chorus. 

It  ill  beseems  the  impartial  chronicler  of 
events  to  rake  up  invidious  distinctions  out 
of  a  mingled  chaos  of  merit,  prow<*ss  and 
invincibility.  Had  each  privateersman  a 
dozen  epics  appropriated  to  his  special  hon- 
our, they  would  fall  infinitely  short  of  the 

0       . 


.t 


14 


jr 


glory  clue  to  Lis  valorous  atchievements. 
Bat  v;e  should  be  mere  logs  of  wood  in 
point  of  stupidity,  and  deserve  everlasting 
oblivion  for  our  much  belaboured  history, 
did  we  omit  to  signalize  one  of  these  gal- 
lant barks,  which  far  outstripped  the  rest  in 
danger  and  in  triumph,  to  wit,  the  vessel 
that  took  the  Plumper, 

In  Boston  harbour  lay  the  empress 
Catharine  of  Russia,  who  having  been  for 
some  time  in  the  keeping  of  his  Ex-honour 
the  cidevant  Lieut.  Governor  of  that  state ; 
on  a  sudden  bethought  herself  to  return  as 
a  letter  of  mari[ue,  in  a  peaceable  manner, 
to  her  own  Muscovian  dominions.  It  was 
not  to  be  expected  that  an  amiable  and  un- 
protected female,  while  pursuing  her  way 
quietly  on  the  ocean  and  showing  hostility 
to  no  one  save  the  little  fishes,  should 
have  experienced  violence  or  rudeness  from 
any  ill  bred  traveller  of  the  deep.  So  it 
chanced,  however,  that  an  unmannerly  boor 
of  the  family  of  Bulk,  named  Plumper, 
happening  to  fall  in  with  the  royal  beauty, 


had 
famill 
court] 
ous 


n^^ 


i^ements, 
vood  in 
rlasting 
history, 
ese  gal- 
e  rest  in 
i  vessel 

mpress 
»een  for 
-honour 
t  state ; 
turn  as 
nanner, 

It  was 
and  un- 
er  way 
iostili  ty 
should 
ss  from 

So  it 
ly  boor 
umper, 
beauty, 


13 

had  the  impudence  to  exhibit  some  airs  of 
familiarity,  not  to  be  endured  by  one  of  her 
courtly  birth  and  rank.  The  presumptu- 
ous gallant  was  not  aware  that  he  was  tak- 
ing freedoms  with  the  real  Semiramis  of 
the  North,  until  an  astonishing  box  in  the 
ear  from  the  redoubtable  fist  of  her  high- 
ness plumped  him  headlong  into  Marble- 
head  in  a  state  of  half  decomposition,  leav- 
ing an  awful  lesson  to  all  audacious  clowns 
and  aspiring  boobies,  that 

"  No  course  so  wild  or  so  infeasible, 
"  As  that  of  force  to  win  a  Jezebel." 

It  is  with  grief  that  we  must  here  ac- 
knowledge that  a  melancholy  and  sombre 
cloud  hangs  over  the  brilliancy  of  the 
remainder  of  this  splendid  affair.  In  the 
course  of  a  few  days  following,  even  while 
the  Marblehead  Gulls  were  triumphing  in 
the  expectation  of  an  unprecedented  prize, 
the  appalling  news  arrived  that  the  Catha- 
rine was  in  odious  thraldom  at  Halifax, 
striving  to  dry  her  tears  with  the  faint  hope 
of  deliverance  from  some  Canadian  knight 


i 


10 


k 


errant !  Through  what  untoward  juggle 
of  the  dejstines  so  cruel  an  event  could  have 
happened  is  utterly  unknown.  The  only 
ray  of  light  hitherto  shed  on  this  obscure 
subject  by  the  oracles  of  the  Gulls  is,  that 
it  was  somehow  or  other  owing  to  the  d — d 
tory  federalists. 

About  these  times  a  very  brilliant  and 
unexpected  event  created  great  astonish- 
ment among  the  Gulls.  A  certain  frigate 
called  the  Constitution,  which  the  Gulls  had 
always  hated  for  her  name,  and  which  they 
had  loaded  with  curses  on  the  very  day  of 
her  launch  ;  put  to  sea  in  quest  of  adven- 
tures. She  had  the  good  fortune  in  a  shorfc 
time  to  fall  in  with  an  enemy  of  some  im- 
portance, and  after  a  short  but  energetic 
battle,  consigned  him  to  the  custody  of  Da- 
vid Jones,  and  came  home  to  tell  the  news. 
The  Gulls,  at  this  intelligence,  looked  aghast 
at  each  other,  and  earnestly  inquired  if 
there  was  no  catch.  Finding  that,  unlike 
their  customary  news,  this  was  a  clear  mat- 
ter of  fact,  they  fell  to  loggerheads  as  to 


•mV.iatl  3  tacgr : 


! 


Id  have 
le  only 
)bscure 
is,  that 


\.nt  and 
itonish- 
frigate 
ills  had 
;h  they 
day  of 
adven- 
a  short 
ne  im- 
ergetiG 
of  Da- 
news, 
aghast 
red  if 
iinlike 
r  mat- 
as  to 


» 

the  mode  of  eommunicating  it  to  the  public 
One  thought  it  best  to  give  the  simple  state- 
ment without  comment^  while  another*'  in- 
sisted on  misstating^  by  one  half^  the  forces 
of  the  ships^  alleging^  that  where  there 
was  no  lie,  there  was  no  genuine  triumjph 
for  the  Gulls, 

*  Vide  Aurora. 


',>■ 

'!." 


\   d 


I 


4 

i 


.1 


t 


M 


t: 


kn 


I 


I 

i 


I 


19 


\\ 


Chaprer  III. 


f- 


Shewing  how  a  certain  doughty  General  of 
the  Gulls  goes  forth  to  play  the  game  of 
Hull-Gull  in  Upper  Canada, 

"  And  from  the  pinnacle  of  i;lory, 
"  Falls  headlon!^  into  purgatory." 

While  these  portentous  and  unprece- 
dented events  were  transacting  in  various 
regions  of  the  terraqueous  glohe^  and  alarm- 
ing the  human  race  at  the  probable  return 
of  chaos^  or  at  least  of  the  iron  age  ;  a  cab- 
inet council  of  all  the  nobles  and  dignita- 
ries of  the  Gulls^  was  summoned  in  the 
capitol  of  their  august  commander,  at  the 
seat  of  government.  Never  since  the  Mil- 
tonian  synod  was  such  a  council  convoked  ; 
never  was  witnessed  such  uu  assemblage 
of  faces,  grave  with  unutterable  concep- 
tions ;  of  heads  distended  even  to  bursting 
with  the  volume  of  their  immeasurable  pro- 
jects ;  never  were  heard  such  torrents  of 


I  r 


II 


^ 


<»•. 


overpowering  rhetoric,  and  such  flashings 
of  intuitive  and  supernatural  sapience,  as 
burst  forth  from  every  elhow  chair,  when 
the  great  Gull  of  the  nation,  the  grand 
Mo- gull  of  his  idolaters,  brought  out  for 
their  consideration  the  solemn  and  import- 
ant question How   is    Canada   to   be 

taken? 

A  hurricane  of  schemes  and  projects,  the 
least  of  which  would  for  wisdom  have  dis- 
tanced the  son  of  Laertes,  were  ushered  on 
the  carpet  and  backed  by  a  volley  of  un- 
answerable arguments.  One  maintained 
that  Canada  should  be  carried  by  instanta- 
neous assault,  another  that  it  should  be  cir- 
cumvented by  stratagem.  One  was  for 
shutting  up  the  god  of  war  in  the  bowels 
of  a  wooden  horse  and  sending  him  thus 
securely  mounted  into  the  centre  of  Que- 
bec ;  another  was  for  drying  up  the  St. 
Lawkence  as  Cyrus  dried  up  the  Euphra- 
tes when  he  took  Babylon.  One  morfi 
cruel  than  the  rest  would  have  given  the 
signal  to  Widgery  to  make  his  descent  up- 


%. 


asLings 
nce^  as 
*,  when 
i  grand 
out  for 
import- 
to   be 

cts,  the 
Lve  dis- 
ered  on 
f  of  un- 
intained 
nstanta- 
l  be  cir- 
ivas  for 
bowels 
im  thus 
[)f  Que- 
the  St. 
Suphra- 
le  more 
ven  the 
^ent  up. 


21 

on  the  frontier  territory  at  once,  while  others 
thought  it  more  prudent  to  wait  for  the  ar- 
rival of  one  of  Bonaparte's  generals.  Ma- 
ny were  for  equipping  a  fleet  of  gun  boats 
and  transports  loaded  with  Kentucky  vol- 
unteers, who  were  to  be  landed  at  the 
.^  mouth  of  Columbia  river,  and  after  a  forc- 
m  ed  march  across  the  rocky  mountains  were 
to  attack  the  enemy  at  a  quarter  where  they 
^  were  least  expected.  All  these  sage  opin- 
ions however  were  obliged  to  give  way, 
when  the  great  Mo-gul  himself  with  a  look 
of  gravity  and  consequence  never  to  be  im- 
itated, assured  the  assembly,  that  on  the 
maturest  consideration,  he  was  resolved  to 
take  Canada  by  Proclamation,  ''  By  Pro- 
clamation," said  he,  ''  my  illustrious  pre- 
decessor defended  this  extensive  region 
during  a  long  and  warlike  reign  of  eight 
years,  and  brought  the  belligerent  powers 
of  Europe  to  his  feet.  By  Proclamation  I 
have  commenced  this  great  and  perilous 
war,  and  by  Proclamation  I  will  can*y  vic- 

D 


\i 


^r-' 


i 


tt 


!! 


f 


tory  into  tbe  very  chimney  corners  of  the 
enemy!''  *; 

A  general  grin  of  approbation  gave  proof 
incontestible  that  the  weighty  sentence  of 
the  chief  had  carried  conviction  home  to 
every  stomach.     The  whole  cabinet  was 
resolved  into  a  proclaiming  committee^  and 
lifter  a  session  of  six  weeks^  with  no  other 
assistance  than  a  file  of  the  Moniteury  that 
stupendous  Proclamation  was  engendered, 
which  was  to  can*y  jeopardy  and   dismay 
from  fort  Churchill  to  Halifax.       It  iras 
for  sometime  debated  whether  the  Procla- 
mation should  be  sent  alone^  or  attended  by 
an  escori ;  but  at  length  it  was  determined, 
that  just  fbr  form's  sake  a  regiment  or  two 
under  the  command  of  a  valiant  general, 
well  known  on  the  borders   of  Canada, 
should  attend  the  mammoth  production  in- 
to that  country  ;  and  that  in  case  of  any 
unforeseen  difficulty,  they  should  call  for 
advice  and  direction  upon  their  trusty  ci- 
devant  cabineteer  Barnabas  Bidwell,  and 
other  confidential  friends  of  the  great  JV&- 
gul,  resident  in  that  country. 


^■^^  ^ 


^1i» 


I 


of  the 

vt  proof 
;ence  of 
lome  to 
act  was 
tee^  and 
10  other 
mvy  that 
ndered, 
dismay 

It    WtL8 

Procla- 
nded  by 
Tmiued^ 
t  or  two 
general^ 
Canada^ 
ction  in- 
i  of  any 

call  for 
rusty  ci- 
'ell^  and 
eat  Mo- 


Every  one  now  admired  the  deep  policy 
of  the  great  Mo.gul^  who^  a  long  time  pre« 
vious  to  the  invasion  of  Canada^  had  suffer- 
ed his  trusty  associates  Bidwell^  GannjBtt^ 
and  others^  to  make  a  generous  sacrifice  of 
their  reputation  at  home^  that  they  might 
qualify  themselves  to  reside  with  better 
grace  in  the  country  of  their  enemies,  and 
to  make  gi*adual  preparation  for  the  recep* 
tion  of  the  victorious  Proclamation,  by 
teaching  the  illiterate  natives  how  to  read 
it^  when  it  should  arrive.    , 

In  the  summer  of  181/^,  this  gallant  Pro- 
clamation set  out  from  Washington  and 
without  any  material  accident  arrived  at 
Detroit.  Immediate  preparations  were 
made  for  a  descent  upon  the  enemy^s  cou^- 
try,  and  on  the  ISth  of  July  the  general 
and  his  Proclamation  attended  by  the  Tip- 
pecanoe boys,  the  Ohio  militia,  the  Michi- 
gan raccoon  catchers  and  a  band  of  music, 
were  all  disembogued  upon  the  opposite 
shore.  It  is  here  impossible  to  describe 
the  alarm  and  trepidation  aud  uproar  which 


( 


I 

i 


/ 


!irs^- 


-><" 


H 


I 


( 

\ 
\       I 


iii 


S4- 

6|>Tead  among  the  astonished  natives^  as 
this  terrific  phalanx  advanced  toward  their 
devoted  settlements  ; 

*'  Tlie  dogs  did  bark,  the  children  screamed, 
"  Up  flew  the  windows  all 
m\^  And  every  soul  cried  well  a  day  1 
"  As  loud  as  they  could  bawl." 

The  women  fled  in  crowds  from  the  potent 
general^  notwithstanding  his  assurances 
that  he  came  there  "  to  find  enemies^  not  to 
maJ^e  them/^ 

So  great  and  so  universal  was  the  con- 
sternation the^i  in  a  short  time  the  whole 
settlement  was  evacuated,  and  the  victori- 
ous general  took  quiet  possession  of  a  gari- 
son  of  dogs,  cats  and  spiders.  The  fiag  of 
the  Gulls  was  spliced  to  an  old  pine  stump, 
and  the  conquering  army  sat  down  to  con- 
sume their  bread  and  cheese  in  the  very 
heart  of  the  "land  debateable.'^  The 
Proclamation  was  now  put  in  complC';e  re- 
pair and  a  contract  was  made  to  have  it 
transported  with  its  appendages  to  fort 
Maiden.    It  was  apprehended  that  the  gar- 


pati 


^'^ 


as'^ 


^5 


/s 


\ 


/^ 


Ives^  as 
rd  their 


amed. 


B  potent 
urances 
3,  not  to 

lie  con- 
5  whole 
vJctori- 
a  gari- 
5ag  of 
stump, 
to  con- 
le  very 
The 
[C':e  re- 
lave  it 
Ito  fort 
Ihe  gar- 


t 


ison  of  that  fortress  might  disco^^r  some 
aversion  to  the  gi'eat  state  engine  of  their 
enemies,  and  therefore  various  advanced 
parties  were  sent  to  reconnoitre  the.  inter- 
mediate ground,  fco  remo^  e  any  obstacles  in 
the  way,  and  to  get  every  thing  in  readi- 
ness for  the  immediate  and  forcible  occu- 
pation of  the  fort. 

It  is  an  unalienable  prerogative  of  him 
who  writes  histories  to  pass  judgment  on 
the  events  which  he  describes,  and  to  ac- 
quaint the  ignorant  public^  not  only  how 
things  have  been,  but  also  how  they  should 
have  been.  Many  a  disastrous  campaign 
would  have  been  brilliantly  successftil  had 
it  been  condiiet^d  by  the  historian  instead 
of  the  general ;    and  many  an  empire  owes 

* 

its  birth  or  decay  to  the  trivial  circumstance 
that  it  was  not  coeval  with  a  hawk  eyed 
critic  or  antiquarian.  The  author  of  the 
present  narrative  can  discern  with  half  an 
«ye  that  the  invasion  of  Canada  was  not 
conducted  with  that  accuracy  and  discre- 
tion which  has  usually  mai'ked  the  move- 

E 


% 


S6 


I 


t*.'l  ^ 


ments  of  the  Gulls.    He  is  of  opinion  that 
an  instantaneous  attack  should  have  heen 
made  upon  the  fort^  and  that  the  Proclama- 
mation  should  have  been  tumbled  in  head- 
long among  the  petrified  garrison^  before 
they  could  recover  from  the  surprize  of  the 
onset.     But  the  unlucky  destinies  had  or- 
dei*ed  it  otherwise,  and  many  precious  days 
and  nights  were  wasted  in  achievements, 
which  although  full  of  glory  to  the  actors 
in  them ;  contributed  nothing  to  the  grand 
object    of   the    expedition.      Some   liave 
foolishly  asserted  that  their  delay  was  ow- 
ing to  the  want  of  gun  carriages,  provis- 
ions and  ammunition  ;  but  others  more  ac- 
quainted with  cabinet  mysteries  say  that 
their  instructions  forbade  them  to  act  until 
they  could  effect  cooperation  with  Barna- 
bas Bidwell,  in  such  a  manner  as  to  attack 
the  garrison  on  one  side,  while  Barnabas 
mai  clmd  up  his  school  to  the  assault  on  the 
Mher.     However  wise  this  scheme  might 
have  been,  it  certainly  procrastinated  the 
capture  of  the  Canadian  fort. 


on  that 
e  been 
)clama- 
1  head- 
^  before 
e  of  the 
had  or- 
)us  days 
ements^ 
e  actors 
e  grand 
le  tiave 
was  ow- 

provis- 
lore  ac- 
say  that 
ict  until 

Barna- 
;o  attack 
Sarnabas 
It  on  the 

e  might 

ated  the 


m 


27 

•  Meanwhile  the  Gulls  who  remained  qui- 
etly I'oosting  at  home,  were  not  to  be 
baulkod  of  their  fWMmj?^.  Although  Fort 
Maiden  was  not  captured  in  reality^  yet  in 
the  newspapers  it  was  taken  a  thousand 
times.  ITie  whole  genus  clapped  their 
sides  in  exultation  and  croaked  out  ^^  glo- 
ry, glory  to  the  heroes  of  Tippecanoe  !'' 
A  village  of  log  houses  in  the  state  of  Ohio 
was  brilliantly  illuminated  with  pine  torch- 
es, and  the  only  entire  suit  of  clothes  the 
town  could  boast  was  sacrificed  to  the  lau- 
dable ambition  of  burning  king  Oeorge  in 
eflBgy.  In  ^hort  all  those  Gulls  who  were 
remote  from  the  scene  rf  hostility  puffed  up 
their  sides,  locked  big  and  terrible,  aud 
assailed  the  enemy  at  a  distance  with  a 
shower  of  reproaches  and  war  resolutions. 
At  the  same  time  tlie  army,  although  Fort 
Maiden  had  not  yet  been  prostrated  before 
their  terrific  looJcSf  did  not  remain  inactive. 
If  episodes  were  ii.  part  of  the  plan  of  this 
history,  the  reader  would  not  fail  to  be  as- 
tonished, with  such  accounts  of  desperate 


*-v. 


.1  •, 

i  } 


[I 


deeds  done  by  individuals^  «r  by  smaJl  rfe- 
tacbments  from  the  army^  as  would  make 
each  particular  hair  to  stand  erect  on  his 
head^  and  would  elicit  his  benedictions  up*, 
on  the  stars  for  not  making  him  a  Canadian^ 
It  would  then  be  known  how  one  of  thu 
raccoon  catchers,  after  being  tumbled  from 
his  horse,  run  down  an  Indian  in  a  fair 
chase    and   left  him   stretched   upon   the 
ground,  a  scalpless  warning  to  his  tawny 
brethren  to  beware  how  they  burnt  their 
fingers  in  this  war  of  extermination.     It 
would  then  be  seen  how  an  army  of  eight 
hundred  sheep  capitulated  to  a  force  of  one 
half  their  number,  and  how  the  victors  re- 
turned  in  triumph  loaded  with  trophies^ 
having  each  man  a  sheep  on  his  back.     It 
would  then  be  seen  how  various  detach- 
ments of  the  grand  army  penel^ated  far  in- 
to the  woods,  even  beyond  the  shelter  of 
'the  Proclamation  5  and  there  bravely  chal- 
lenged the  enemy  to  the  combat,   but  find- 
^ingthat  nothing  appeared- to  oppose  them 
'  except  the  trees,  they  turned  about  and 


•*» 


^_     ..-y.^^ii.-S 


I 


make 

on  his 

0118  up*. 

uadiaiii 

of  th« 
ed  from 

a  fair 
)oii  the 
i  tawny 
nt  their 
ion.  It 
of  eight 
e  of  one 
stoi's  re. 
rophies^ 
ick.  It 
detach. 
I  far  in- 
bieker  of 
sly  chal- 
iut  find- 
ise  them 
out  and 


mavehodbaek  without  the  loss  of  a  uiuki 
It  would  then  be  s^een  how  certain  of  tber 
militia  displayed  an  heroic  contempt  of 
deaths  which  would  have  done  honour  tQ 
Teterans,  by  declaringy  as  they  ran  away^ 
that  "  they  had  rather  be  killed  by  theift 
ofiBcers  than  by  those  d — d  Indians."  » 
It  had  never  been  dreamt  of  by  the  sage^ 
who  got  up  the  Gull  Proclamation^  that  it 
would  befal  this  engine  of  war  to  be  pitted 
jigainst  one  of  its  own  description  ;  or  that 
the  enemy  could  possibly  understand  an  art 
which  was  thought  peculiar  to  the  great 
nation.  So  it  fell  out,  however,  that  while 
the  4rjny  were  wantonly  jeopardizing  the 
strong  holds  of  Maiden^  and  preparing 
their  stomachs  for  dinners  out  of  the  pock»- 
ets  of  their  enemies  ;  the  very  serious  news 
arrived  that  a  powerful  Proclamation,  rating 
an  equal  force  wiUi  their  own,  and  manned 
and  equipped  '^  for  all  oonting^nciee, -'  had 
been  fitted  out  by  the.  governor  of  Upper 
Canada,, and  was  rapidly  advancing  against 
them^.  under  a  furious  escort  of  Bulls  and 


k 


em» 


mmm 


30 


/ 


'6 


\l 


Indians.  This  intelligence  was  as  unex- 
pected as  it  was  overwhelming.  To  re- 
main and  abide  the  brunt  of  battle^  to  con- 
front these  mighty  and  exterminating  Fro- 
elamations  in  dubious  fray  and  ruinous  as- 
sault ;  would  have  engendered  a  scene  of 
sanguinary  slaughter  unprecedented  in  the 
annals  of  civilized  warfare.  Besides,  the 
commander  of  the  Gullic  army,  by  the 
words  of  his  own  manifesto,  had  come  there 
•^  to  look  down  opposition/^  not  to  tight  it; 
And  as  his  force  was  bnt  the  vaiieaard  of  a 
much  greater,  it  was  evidently  unfair  to 
dose  them  with  a  battle  calculated  for  ten 
times  their  number.  On  tliese  weighty 
iconsideratidns  it  was  determined  by  the 
general  to  abandon  his  precarious  situation, 
and  make  the  best  of  his  way  bock  again  to 
ihe  territories  he  had  left.  The  only  diffi- 
culty that  laboured  in  his  mmd  was,  to 
imagine  how  the  Gulls  would  ever  be  able 
to  make  a  trmmph  out  of  a  precipitate  flight 
before  the  enemy.  But  at  last,  having 
quieted  himself  with  the  sagacious  reflec- 
tion, 


4« 


;l 


h\' 


i 


i 


lijiiih  ■!  I, Ml. I 


■w— "M^jinati,.  ,^m 


mmmfm 


lIRt 


s  unex- 
To  re- 
to  con- 
ng  Pro- 
lous  as- 
}cene  of 
I  in  the 
ies,  the 
by   the 
le  there 
fight  it: 
ard  of  a 
nfair  to 
for  ten 
weighty 
by  the 
tuation^ 
igain  to 
ly  diffi. 
ivas^  to 
be  able 
te  flight 
having 
reflec- 


<<  That  when  a  fight  becomes  a  ^hase  ; 

**  Those  V  'n  the  day  that  win  the  race," 

he  instantly  gave  orders  for  every  mother's 
sou  to  make  the  best  of  his  way  to  the  side 
of  the  river  where  he  belonged. 

We  now  behold  the  redoubtable  army 
of  the  North  West,  after  having  invaded 
Canada,  taken  all  of  it  that  was  worth  tak^ 
ingy  and  effected  a  masterly  retreat  home- 
ward ;  at  last  quietly  encamped  upon  their 
own  dung  hill  at  Detroit.  It  was  confi- 
dently expected  that  hostilities  in  this  quar- 
ter would  cease,  and  that  no  more  Mould 
be  heard  of  the  din  of  arms,  until  the  god 
of  war  should  light  up  the  flame  of  discord 
in  the  east,  and  hurl  the  firebrands  of  de^^ 
yastation  about.the  ears  of  the  astonished 
Quebeckers-  But  all  attempts  at  pacliiea- 
tion  were  vain  and  hopeless,  notwithstand- 
ing that  John  Bull  had  been  on  his  marrow 
bones  at  the  capitol,  earnestly  begging  an 
armistice  to  gain  a  moment's  breath  from 
his  merciless  beating.  The  great  Mo-gul 
had  sworn  by  the  beard  of  his  secretary, 


> 


i,f¥ 


\ 


ilM 


li 


(\ 


'1 


l-^ 


^'^ 


as 

that  he  ^oulct  not  ^<  trade  or  barter,  by  giv- 
ing or  by  taking  quarter/^  until  the  Gulls 
ceased  to  be  a  nation,  or  Canada  was  ex- 
terminated from  the  map  of  the  world. 

The  Bulls  already  flushed  with  suceegs^ 
now  collected  their  forces  and  determined 
. .  to  hazard  the  attempt  of  storming  the  Gulls 
in  their  own  nest.     They  crossed  the  rivet 
and  set  in  array  a  more  formidable  host 
tlian  had   ever  darkened  the   wilderness 
with  frowns.      On  one  side  marched  the 
grim  General  Brock,  having  a  huge  pair 
of  whiskers,  and  on  the  other  the  ill  looking 
warrior  Tecumseh,  having  no  whiskers  at 
all.     The  face  of  things  was  now  changed, 
and  the  exterminating  party  were  in  their 
turn  threatened  with  extermination.     Here 
was  a  contingency  which  no  one  had  fore- 
seen, and  against  which  not  even  the  Pro- 
elamation  had  provided.      The  unhappy 
and  disconsolate  commander  of  the  Gulls, 
unwilling  to  shed  the  blood  of  his  follow- 
ers  by  confronting  their  empty  guns  and 
hungry  bellies  with  the  brawny  and  beef 


yf 


S3 


bygiv- 
|e  Gulls 
as  ex-1 
W. 

uccegs^ 
rmined 
e  GuHa 
he  rivef 
»le  faosi 
deraess 
bed  the 
ige  pair 
looking 
skers  at 
hanged; 
in  their 
.     Here 
ad  fore- 
he  Pro- 
mhappy 
5  Gulls, 
foUow- 
ms  and 
nd  beef 


-4 


fed  warriors  of  the  north  5  with  a  heavy 
heart  and  a  rueful  physiognomy,  put  his 
reluctant  signature  to  the  articles  of  a  gen-^ 
eral  surrender!  And  thus  the  heroes  of 
Tippecanoe,  tipped  up  their  canoe  in  the 
slough  of  Detroit. 

On  the  occurence  of  this  unexpected 
event,  the  whole  army  from  the  most  iron 
hearted  colonel,  to  the  most  delicate  naiad 
of  a  washer  woman  that  followed  in  its 
train,  was  overwhelmed  with  a  flood  of 
shame,  and  shed  tears  of  vexation  and  griei. 
It  is  positively  asserted  by  Daniel  Dobbin- 
and  other  learned  historians,  whom  the 
chief  of  the  Ghills  has  employed  to  write 
the  annals  of  this  eventful  campaign,  thai^^ 
at  the  moment  when  the  general  was  yield- ^ 
ing  to  the  fear  of  bloodshed  and  starvation, 
whole  herds  of  cattle  were  gracing  in  the 
fields,  and  the  delicate  mutton  of  those  me- 
rinos -which  had  unconditionally  surrender-' 
ed  ta  his  arms,  was  walking  on  its  legg 
tinder  the  noses  of  th6  army.  It  has  been 
av^serted  by  some  authors  of  respectable^ 


.,'«-'^,-. 


^ 


V    . 


\-'' 

xs   ^ 


-^^ 


'  '34  r 

authority  that  the  general  had  sworn  a  tre- 
mendous oath^  that  he  would  not  lift  a 
jbutcher  knife  against  an  individual  of  the 
merino  tribe^  until  their  wool  should  arrive 
at  a  degree  of  maturity  and  perfection^  ca- 
pable of  furnishing  him  a  coat^  equal  in 
magnificence  to  that  of  his.  great  rival  and 
compeer  in  the  east.  Be  this  as  it  may^ 
there  are  many  other  historians  of  prodi- 
gious  veracity  who  maintain  that  this  very 
signal  disaster  was  owing  to  the  incompe- 
tent force  of  the  Proclamation ;  which^  it 
is  asserted;  had  not  a  single  torpedo  in  its 
traiu;  nor  even  a  terrestrial  gun  boat  for  its 
assistance.  However  the  Gulls  did  not  in- 
cline to  give  credit  to  the  latter  opinion. 

Courteous  and  considerate  reader^  pause 
here  a  moment  to  ponder  on  the  instabil- 
ity of  human  greatness.  Those  very 
Gulls  who  had  made  themselves  hoarse 
with  the  praises  of  their  general^  and  hadt 
filled  the  very  skies  with  his  exploits^  now 
fell  upon  him  with  unrelenting  fury^  and 
pouneed  and  plucked  and  roasted  lum  for 


^.'» 


--«•« 


5-'y«> 


B5 

a  blockhead,  a  coward  and  a  traitor.     So 
emphatically  true  is  it  that  pride  may  have 
a  fall,  and  that  he  who  rides  in  the  triumph 
al  chariot,  may  be  upset  by  the  jostling  of 
a  stone ; 

"  And  from  the  pinnacle  of  glory 
**  Fall  headlong  into  purgatory.'* 

So  when  the  general  had  made  an  end 
of  conquering  Canada  he  sat  down  and 
sang  the  following  psalm. 

Two  staunch  looking  Hulls, 

Fitted  out  by  the  Gulls, 
A  Demo,  on  land,  and  a  Fed,  on  the  Mater, 

As  they  cruized  for  their  game. 

With  their  blood  all  on  flame, 
Made  the  forest  to  roar  and  the  oeean  to  spatter. 

The  federal  Hull 

Gave  chase  to  John  Bull, 
And  was  soon  along  side  of  the  thundering  Guerrier } 

With  his  balls  and  his  powder 

80  thickly  he  ploughed  her 
She  sunk  a  mere  wreek,  and  the  Gulls  ne'er  suig 
merrier. 


,j<*»?"'*W" 


»•«•'* . 


If       0- 

i 


i'^ 


Lf> 


36 


The  Demo,  on  laiid, 

Proolamatioii  iv  hand. 
Direct  on  fort  Maiden  bore  down  like  a  navy ; 

There  itood  General  Brock 

In  Kii  way,  like  a  rock, 
do  the  Hull  struck  and  bilged,  and  the  cfew  erie# 
pecavi. 

Now  the  Gulls,  all  aghast, 

With  groans  fill  the  blast, 
And  lustily  ery  **  build  a  nayy  and  man  it  $ 

And  if  wa  mvst  be  guUsf 

O  let  us  be  sea-gulls, 
And  give  up  our  conquests  to  Bidwell  and  Gasnett^ 


in 

It- 


**, 


nvia^ 


■  ■<•--  n^'- 


-»  ,     ..«   »   .   ^-.r,^  . 


^ 


■ 


i 


X- 


'^~»V«^- 


r  ■ 


f 


